I’ve been debating posting this but if it can help anyone then why not…
12 months ago today I woke up in a hospital in Edinburgh, I had no recollection of getting there and was completely alone in a ward with only a nurse across the corridor in sight. When I tried to speak I could feel my voice in my stomach, the crippling pain every time I swallowed. There was about 20 seconds of confusion before everything came running back into my brain. Exactly what had happened and why I was lying there connected to 3 drips and a ECG machine.
The night before I had decided to take my own life. There had been several big factors in the lead up to doing this but this blog isn’t the time to explain them. Everything had gotten too much and I went back to my apartment and decided enough was enough. I don’t remember anything after I took the first few pills but this is what I’ve been told…
I was found by the person I was staying with in Edinburgh, someone I’d known for only 4 weeks. Luckily the show he was planning on seeing was sold out or there is no chance I’d be here today.
I kept slipping in and out of consciousness and while he was on the phone to the ambulance and by the time the paramedics had gotten there I was out of it. The drugs had affected my head and my heart function and I was rushed to hospital immediately. Once I was in the ambulance my flat mate realised he would have to get hold of my family so picked up my phone, grabbed my hand and unlocked it using my lifeless thumb. (I swear by keep my fingerprint on my phones unlock now!). What I didn’t realise is that it’s the police who would make the call to my fiancée. Well, I wasn’t thinking about phone calls but the police called Alex and left a voicemail asking for her to call them back. When she did they explained the situation and she was in the car driving up within the hour.
When I woke up I was told that my family were on their way and that I was lucky to be alive. Overnight they had pumped my stomach and hooked me up to drips to get all the toxins out my system. Although the effects of the drugs lingered. I was a complete zombie with no emotion and all I could think that I wasn’t lucky. I had no intention of waking up and I felt like a complete failure because I had. By the time it came to getting discharged I didn’t have to do anything apart from fake a smile and a therapist and I was out. My mum took me back to my apartment in a taxi and that was it. Back to ‘normality’.
Anyway, there is a point in me explaining all of this. That was 12 months ago, which in someways feels like a lifetime and in others feels like yesterday. When I woke up I wanted my life to be over. I wanted to have stayed in a deep sleep and even for the next 2 weeks that followed I was an emotionless mess which is far more scary for the people around you then being overly emotional. At that point (2 weeks later) I decided to jump onto another show at the concern of my family but if I didn’t jump back then I doubt I would ever have. It was working with this amazing company then led to my recovery, keeping my brain distracted with an amazing new show and meeting a new group of people where I could re find myself. Not only that but it was working with this company that led me to my first ever international job working in Dubai.
Working in Dubai made me realise that there was so much more of the world I wanted to see and led me to finding my perfect job of working with British Airways allowing me to travel.
As part of my ‘recovery’ I was told to focus on my body and looking after myself so I started going to the gym and began eating a vegan diet. I found a new confidence in myself and my body, appreciating myself a lot more and that led to me entering Miss London 2016 where I made the finals in May this year. I then started my blog, YouTube and new Instagram where I’ve gotten modelling jobs, met some of my best friends and built a community and brand for myself.
What I’m trying to say with this blog is 12 months ago, I woke up in hospital after deciding that my life wasn’t worth living anymore and today I stand a completely different person, embracing life and the new challenges that come my way. I have had one of the best years of my life and I have so many exciting things coming up. I actually look forward to the next year and what it has to bring.
I get so many girls messaging me telling me about the hard time they’re having whether it’s with fitness or their personal lives and ask me for advice. My main advice is – IT DOES GET BETTER. It does and I cant stress that enough. No matter how hard something feels you will get through it. You will be ok. You will continue to live. Embrace all your challenges as learning curves and think of what you can learn from them. If you need support of the people around you then ask for it. Don’t let it get so bad that you don’t think you can continue living because you can. Life is hard but it’s so worth it for the good days you have.
Now I’m off to walk around St Ives and eat ice cream on the beach because no matter how crap things might feel, there’s always time to treat yourself.